Separation, toddler, responsibility?

My ex husband and I broke up yesterday and now issues like custody etc. Are starting.

So far, I had sole custody because he was missing something in terms of paperwork and it stayed that way and I was willing to make it a shared one. This was also my (ill-considered) intention in an argument, since I have often observed how couples in an argument used children as leverage and felt something like ". Or you will never see your children again", I often thought about such behavior and how In the vast majority of cases (there are of course exceptions such as unreliable, alcoholic, etc. As part of the parent) only harms the children and thus deprives them of the love and affection of a parent.

However, our child is 1 year or 13 months old and wakes up screaming several times at night - which my ex does not notice at all. He put her to sleep maybe 3 times in the 13 months because, according to his statement, he 'doesn't have the nerves' and otherwise thinks that eating and feeding is a pure mother's affair.

Every time I had something to do, even in wind and weather, it was said, take the little one with you, I can't take care of her 'and when I did have a little time, either his sister or his mother took care of her.

As soon as he gets angry, such as After an argument (and he often argues apart from me with his parents' family and everyone else) he needs a beer and a nap for 1.2 hours and I'm already asking myself: should I really share custody?

In itself he already plays with her and is also very nice (a little overprotected e.g. Can't have anything other than toys in his hand) but I have it too

-2x seen that he goes out with her and really does something with her or promotes her.

I don't want to act out of the conflict, but on the other hand nobody knows the situation better than me. What would you do there, wait a minute, we'll live together until he finds something. Instead of showing me that he is able to take care of the child, he lives his life with netflix and hanging out late into the night.

What is he saying? Does he want it - and why?

In principle, shared custody is a good thing if both have an interest in it and also want to share the duties of upbringing.

So before you talk to him about custody, you should first talk about how he envisions his role as a father.

Have you ever talked to him about how he envisions future custody? Does he want the child overnight or even for several days? Or would he get help (e.g. His parents)?

Well, he really wants it, but in my opinion that's more a matter of pride, as he hasn't wanted to take on any tasks around the child so far. Unfortunately, it is difficult to talk to him because he regards it as his basic right and is simply on 180 as soon as I address something and thus can't start a discussion about it or remind him how much has to be done.

Yes, he thinks the child should be with him for as long as it is with me, but I'm currently on parental leave and he isn't and I don't think it makes sense that we share custody so that the child can spend as much time with him so that his parents take care of it. I mean, visiting your grandparents is normal for the night, too, but why should they raise the child when I'm there as a biological mother and want to be there.

First of all, completely independent of your case:

You have to differentiate between custody and access rights and maintenance rights.

As a person affected it is very difficult to tell apart because emotions play a role in experiences and expectations.

You have sole custody… Ok. Why change something if the other parent doesn't want that (so far)?

The right of access is to be viewed completely separately from this. The separated parent has a legal right to see the child regularly. And with this part of the law, people like to mess around. Brand: If you… Then you won't see your child again "

To be seen separately again is the maintenance right! The separated parent is OBLIGED to support the child. If he does not comply, then you just go to the youth welfare office and apply for assistance and maintenance advance payment. The YES then takes care of the fact that the defaulting payer is asked to pay… And just advances a minimum amount in the form of the maintenance advance.

What doesn't work at all is to "set off" one against the other… The popular attitude is "If he / she does not pay, he / she is not allowed to see the child…" and that is exactly NOT possible.

Now to your case: don't worry about what's going to happen. Concentrate exclusively on the NEXT step: The actual completion of the separation, i.e. That HE finally leaves the common apartment.

Have you already clarified YOUR living situation "afterwards"? That means, is the lease for the current apartment only in your name? Or do you have to go to the landlord so that he can "release" the outgoing part of the lease?

When THAT is clarified, then it goes on with: HOW do you finance the further living costs for yourself and the child? How will the child be looked after when you are away from home (because of work)?

You shouldn't think about more than these 2 steps, so you completely overwhelm yourself.

Hmm that sounds like he doesn't really know what to expect… It's hard to give right advice now. If you currently don't have a good gut feeling about it, listen to it and don't give it shared custody (yet). This is nonsense in the situation. As long as you still live together, you may be able to steer him and leave him alone with the child for longer and stay on call and signal to him that you are ready to give him a chance if he is doing well. You can also offer him alternatives such as that he can see the child as often and as much as he wants and can pick it up at any time for a few hours or days, as long as he can guarantee care.

Is he your husband or your ex-boyfriend. As a husband he has joint custody, as an ex-boyfriend he has to apply for it and then gets it. He has the right of access anyway and you can't change that either. Why do some people think they own the child?

Until now, I had sole custody

If you are married and the child was born during your marriage, you do not have sole custody, but you have joint custody from birth. So there's nothing to regulate.

The incidents you are describing here do not justify the application for sole custody. Your husband does things differently, so what? It does not pose a threat to the child.

Doesn't he get up at night? What for, so far you've always jumped.

Does he occasionally take a nap? No problem so far, you were there too. If he is alone with the child, an afternoon nap is done for him.

You can't judge how he is when he has moved out and is responsible for his life again. So far you seem to have taken everything from him.

Don't give him shared custody (yet).

it has nothing to give or determine. The child is not a car, it does not belong to the mother.

Signal that you're ready to give him a chance if he's doing well.

She doesn't have to determine that. The father has the same rights as the mother. She can't tell him what to do and she can neither give nor take away custody. He just got it. At least if he's married to her. If not, he has to request it. And get it too. He has the right of access anyway.

When it comes to custody, there's nothing to clarify with the questioner, her (still) husband already has joint custody. The questioner does not seem to be aware of this, as is the case with so many others.

No, we're not married and so I have sole custody. I jumped at night because the child's nocturnal implementation is a basic need. In addition, it happened twice that he fell asleep while he was with the child in the closed living room and I therefore assumed that he was paying attention, since I was not in the room at all and was doing other things. Losing everything "is not done for fun, but out of the given situation. Find your type of answer very quickly to be judgmental and judgmental.

Please read your question once. It says explicitly that the paperwork was not done. It doesn't say anything about married, etc. So I'm assuming what the questioner wrote.

Right, the child is not a car. If something happens, it can't be replaced. If something happens, the child is harmed. Nor can it be carelessly given away like a thing. What you write is correct, but here the child is objectized by the father. Obviously, it's not about spending time with the child. A distinction must be made here.

Obviously the father is concerned here with the principle. He doesn't seem like the type to change the baby and bring the pacifier.

In this case, please let the youth welfare office and / or a judge decide in case of doubt. And the mother should assess the matter beforehand.

He wants a change model and if he wants this, he can legally enforce it. If he wants custody, he'll get it too.