I asked a question about my personal overload some time ago. Many of you have helped me a lot so that I can see more land in my life again😉.
However, I did not manage to prevail against my 15 year old son. He regularly manages to make me feel guilty, trying again and again, in my view, to push me the black guy who's making him mad. I'm responsible for his isolation from the family because I'm not interested in his issues, he says. But I always try to take this child seriously and to discuss it - actually every day. It concerns the article 13 and altogether the politics in Germany, which he rejects. Without seriously knowing other countries. Through years spent in the US and Norway, I can certainly contribute something, overall, I follow the world politics. He comes with so much black and white thinking that I often find it difficult to argue. All my suggestions to get involved politically meet resistance because it "does not work".
In addition, he does not see that he has duties to take on us and when he does it so superficially that it brings me nothing. Lawning so messy that I ALWAYS have to mow and I'm not fussy! Dishes stay on the dishwasher, etc. He does not do anything. And is of the opinion that is all chicane. There's no need to ask, scolds, sanctions he sits out. I'm really helpless. He thinks I'm fine: 7 hours of work a day and then the household - no problem from his point of view. But he also does not worry about my condition.
Now I have after an unspeakable appearance on his part yesterday - we were (big exception) at the Chinese today for the big kids announced that I will penalize missing support (according to plan) in the future with Netflix, Spotify and Wlanabstinenz. And irreverent behavior. I endure a lot, but yesterday he brought me so far that I sat at the toilet crying at the Chinese. That does not touch him. On the contrary, this morning the allegations continued. I should explain to him what he would have done badly. In his view, I'm crazy.
I really do not know what to do anymore.
What am I doing wrong? Too inconsistent - but how do I become more consistent? Or is this normal and I have to go through it?
But I always try to take this child seriously and to discuss it -
Discuss with a 15-year-old adolescent? Someone whose brain is just like a major construction site, in which completely chaotic everything happens at once? Believe me, you can forget that.
With his kind he manages to systematically get you ready and you let that happen to you by getting involved in his provocations again and again.
For one, it is relatively normal. Most parents experience this with their adolescents, male or female. For some, that is already 15 years old and for the others it starts with 18 years and it feels like it never ends. Not very comforting, I know, but you are absolutely not the only one.
And one thing you should remember again and again: It is natural that adolescents always do exactly the opposite of what parents say and want. From this one could develop a strategy.
He regularly manages to make me feel guilty
Tell him regularly: "You want to grow up, but behave like a 3-year-old?"
because I'm not interested in his topics,
Make it clear to him that you have your life and he has his own and that he does not care about your subjects.
Let that be with the discussion. That brings nothing. Say your opinion, let him contradict him, but do not try to convince him in the conversation of anything.
About Article 13, I had a short discussion with our long-grown son. They just have a different opinion. They are so deeply rooted in the "Internet community" that they easily accept the infiltration of the big corporations. By contrast, we parents have no chance.
Politically, you have nothing more to say, even if you have a lot of experience. Say your opinion, but do not argue. Something is hanging. You can trust that.
As for the duties, it would be better to mow the lawn than not. You do not have to mow. He just has to mow all the time.
As for the housework: Who washes and ironed his clothes? Let her lie in the future. We raise his bed, if any? In the future only himself. Dishes? You do not clean up your dishes anymore. Cook food for him? He can do it himself. You can already gradually turn certain screws.
And finally, make it clear to him that as an almost adult, he has the same duties in the household as the other adult persons. Who does not want to take over the duties, should look for another roof. Try to make it more and more clear that he is no longer the child who needs to be cared for by the mother, but now wants to stand on his own two feet and must.
If he says something about chicane again, then give back: "And who will bully me all day?"
This is completely normal and probably not even malicious intent. Almost all young people think in black and white, that's because of the "rebuilding work" in their brains. There's no room for compassion and foresight, nor is there the necessary life experience.
I would not back him up, I would not mow the lawn, that's his job. If he has to unpack the mower five times, that's up to his free time, not yours…
If he does not leave his dishes, you put the dirty plate back at his next meal, and so on.
I would ignore offensive slogans, dispose of things that have not been cleared up consistently in the garbage bin…
The good news: This state also stops again.
On the contrary, this morning the allegations continued. I should explain to him what he would have done badly.
I would have simply replied, if he does not know, let him think about it.
Otherwise, I would then strangled him nachn motto "I have now no time for it," he comes back after work, "Sorry I have to do the housework now, for something I have no time."
If you do something as a mother, you do not have to justify yourself or explain, if you think it's right then you should go through it, with the discussions he's just trying to challenge you.
Regarding the lawn mowing, dud as shcon have made the 9 (10?) Year old? Maybe he does better, if so, you can even praise him for it and show it as it is different, but just depends on doing the job right.
Political attitude, young people always know everything better and believe to know how the world works.
It may even be true on some points, but he still has much to learn.
All my suggestions to get involved politically meet resistance because it "does not work".
Mhn, life is like that, not everything we do always has the effect we want.
Article 13, yes there were a few millions on the street, but what does it say specifically? The people were ignored because decided?
But can't one also say that a lot more people (98% or so) did not go out on the streets and that's why they wanted to?
But in the end, it's easy to say, it does not help, because to make it work you have to do something for it.
He rejects the political system, I do not know if you have the money for it, but maybe you could tell him how it is in other countries, you do not have to travel far in Europe, France where the yellow vests would protest rich enough, but also goes a poor country.
Since you can show him that there are countries in which people have a lot harder to live in part on the street and much more and that the policy is not only used to annoy the citizens, but what we have to obtain.
As for duties, if he does not want to leave him alone, in return he has to take care of himself, wash his own clothes, cover his bed, vacuum and clean his room (unless he likes dust and co.).
He gets his food, etc. But no more.
If he wants to argue that this is your job, you do not even argue about it, just tell him he's old enough to decide for himself. It is his decision if he wants to have clean laundry, it is his decision how his room looks like, etc.
You can then give him the consequence here, if he helps in the household that you would be quite ready to do it in the future again to some extent for him.
Again, it is his decision and thus he himself bears the consequence of the decision.
I think only when he realizes that his decisions have concrete consequences, he will also learn that it makes sense to do something, but I would prohibitions and such measures but in principle set as far as possible, so he can't say but that is now differently than agreed.
Of course, it can't be determined with something like the Chinese, but these are exceptional cases.
